‘The New(er) Colossus’ (with Apologies to Emma Lazarus)

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,

With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles[1]. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome[2]; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!"[3] cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired[4], your poor[5],
Your huddled[6] masses[7] yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse[8] of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless[9], tempest-tost[10] to me,
I lift my lamp[11] beside the golden door![12]"

---

[1] The Dept. of Homeland Security advises that the current definition of ‘exiles’ is ‘whites of European descent, corporate investors, medical specialists, actors and/or other celebrities, hereditary royals, and those who can provide documentation of income of no less than six figures’.

[2] The definition of ‘welcome’ is subject to change without notice. Please see a uniformed Dept. of Homeland Security officer to see if you currently qualify for a welcome. Please be advised that if you do not currently qualify for a ‘welcome’ according to the current DHS definition, you might be detained, incarcerated, and/or shot.  

[3] Storied pomp is now preferred. See note 1.

[4] You may be required to explain the source of your tiredness. The current definition of 'tired' is 'a mild fatigue, such as might be caused by missing of a meal, a long flight, a missed nap, etc.' The physically exhausted, those suffering from mental collapse due to trauma, or those suffering from malnourishment run the risk of being denied entry. Please see a uniformed Dept. of Homeland Security officer to be advised as to the current state of tiredness. Please be advised that if you do not currently qualify as ‘tired’ according to the above DHS definition, you might be detained, incarcerated, and/or shot.  

[5] Please see the income advisory in note 1.  

[6] Huddling is currently discouraged.

[7] The Dept. of Homeland Security advises that the current definition of a ‘mass’ is 'between two or five (but no more than ten) whites of European descent, corporate investors, medical specialists, actors and/or other celebrities, hereditary royals, and those who can provide documentation of income of no less than six figures'. If your ‘mass’ does not meet these standard requirements, you will be assessed as a ‘pack’, ‘swarm’, ‘flood’, ‘crowd’, or ‘herd’. If you are unsure if you qualify as a ‘mass', a uniformed Dept. of Homeland Security officer can assist you. Please be advised that if you do not currently qualify as a ‘mass’ according to the DHS definition above, you might be detained, incarcerated, and/or shot.  

[8] The Dept. of Homeland Security advises that ‘wretched refuse’ is now being assessed according to the current definition of ‘exile’. Please see note 1.

[9] The Dept. of Homeland Security advises that the current definition of ‘homeless’ is ‘owning at least one home’.

[10] The Dept. of Homeland Security advises that the current definition of ‘tempest-tost’ is ‘light turbulence, e.g. that found on an standard passenger plane.’ If the tempest that tossed you was more severe than this, you run the risk of being denied entry. If you are unsure of the state of your 'toss', a uniformed Dept. of Homeland Security officer can assist you. Please be advised that if your 'tossing' does not currently qualify as a ‘tempest’ according to the DHS definition above, you might be detained, incarcerated, and/or shot.  

[11] The Dept. of Homeland Security advises that the current definition of ‘lamp’ is ‘any one of several forms of surveillance, both public and private.’

[12] Please be advised that the current Dept. of Homeland Security definition of ‘golden door’ is ‘a wall’.